not to tease you Castle fans...
The Heisenberg Compensator School of Science Fiction

Highlights (and lowlights) of the upcoming movie year!

No, you still don't get Star Trek 2.2, or That Bedamned Avengers Movie They Keep Teasing, or a Superman Movie That Doesn't Suck. But for a year without much excitement, there's still a few geek-gems to watch.

January

The Green Hornet. Somehow I don't care for Seth Rogen as a loser-turned-superhero in what is being billed as a superhero spoof. If we've gotten as far as spoofs, superheroes might be almost over for a while. Please no.

The Rite. A priest learns about exorcism from Anthony Hopkins, who kinda knows this acting stuff. It looks like creepy fun, especially since the Devil is getting a workout this year.

February

I Am Number Four. From a book by James Frey and produced by Michael Bay… you know, I don't think I have to write any more.

Drive Angry. Terrible title for Nicolas Cage as a dead man who escapes hell to stop the cult that killed his daughter from doing the same to her baby. It might not suck, though I really have to wonder why Cage is picking these projects.

March

The Adjustment Bureau. Congressman Matt Damon falls in love with ballerina Emily Blunt, but something sinister is keeping them apart. You saw the trailer to this a year ago, and then it vanished. Uh oh.

Apollo 18. Another "found footage" movie, this time about a secret Apollo mission that found something creepy on the moon. Dun dun dun!

Battle Los Angeles. The Dark Knight's Aaron Eckhart (!) as a war-weary sergeant fighting a ground battle against aliens (!!) with Michelle Rodriguez (!!!). I'm there.

Red Riding Hood. Another Twilight ripoff by the director of Twilight about a girl torn between two men as a fight breaks out between werewolves and… *kerthunk* I fell asleep on my keyboard.

Suing the Devil. A law student sues the Devil - hey, everyone deserves their day in court - and for a wonder the Devil shows up, played by Malcolm McDowell. Okay, now they've got my attention.

Beastly. Beauty and the Beast with tattoos, starring the kid from I Am Number Four.

Limitless. A writer gains superpowers from a mysterious drug, and is suddenly hunted by shadowy killers. I yawned until I saw it co-stars Robert De Niro.

April

Super. A month of spoofs kicks off with Rainn Wilson as the hero and Nathan Fillion doing a schtick on Captain Hammer.

Hop. James Marsden runs over the Easter Bunny in his car. I cannot make this up. Also, is Marsden in every movie this year?

Your Highness. No, James Franco is in every movie this year. He's a prince who must rescue his bride with the non-help of his useless brother. Co-starring Natalie Portman and Zooey Deschanel, so it has a chance of awesome in between the spoof.

May

Thor. That's what you were waiting for. Natalie Portman (again!) in a movie directed by Kenneth Branagh (!!) about the thunder god superhero. They found the hammer. (Not that one, you pervs.)

Priest. Humans vs. vampires, priests rule the world and Maggie Q is a priestess. Weird post-apocalyptic fun from Legion's Paul Bettany.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. You will see one zillion promos for this. Captain Jack Sparrow is fighting zombies and mermaids, looking for the fountain of youth and his rival is Penelope Cruz, who is seriously badass in her three seconds of trailer.

June

X-Men: First Class. Prequel about Professor Xavier and Magneto in the 1960s, turning from friends to enemies. Do we finally see what put X in the chair? Starring James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender, it lacks a certain Stewart and McKellen. Okay, they probably couldn't pull off that young. I'll give it a chance, but I haven't trusted them since X-3, and Wolverine was awful.

The Green Lantern. DC tries to do something besides Superman and Batman and the trailer looks dumb already. Come on, guys. You can do better.

Rise of the Apes. Prequel to the Apes movies, James Franco (again!) creates a super-intelligent ape to cure Alzheimer's. Because genetic engineering always turns out well in science fiction movies.

July

Transformers: The Dark of the Moon. We're back with the horror (?) of the Apollo moon landings and blowing up Washington D.C. I was so disgusted with the second movie that I will only see this one if (when) CultureGeek Jr. drags me kicking and screaming. Also, they ditched Megan Fox because she said quite honestly that the second movie sucked and it was Michael Bay's fault. Interestingly, Shia LaBeouf said the same thing and didn't get sacked.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two. Otherwise known as the Battle of Hogwarts. This is my top choice for the summer, guys. Because I read the book, and the second half was awesome.

Sinbad: The Fifth Voyage. Tribute to Ray Harryhausen, they are stupidly putting it opposite the Last! Harry! Potter! Movie! Even Patrick Stewart won't be able to save this one. P.S. How did Stewart manage NOT to be in any of the Potter movies? Every other Brit got a role.

Captain America: The First Avenger. Hugo Weaving as the Red Skull, script by Joss Whedon and the final set-up to The Avengers, which has had so much set-up that it can only disappoint us at this point.

Cowboys and Aliens. You've already seen the promos for a Western vs. science fiction, starring Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford - what are they doing in this movie? Watching the trailer made my brain break.

August

The Smurfs. Hollywood's hatred for my childhood continues as the Smurf Village ends up in Central Park. Hank Azaria as Gargamel and Neil Patrick Harris is in it somewhere.

Conan 3-D. Jason Momoa flexes opposite Rose McGowan as a "half-human, half-witch." Um. I think there's a fundamental misunderstanding here.

Fright Night. Yet another remake, but it has David Tennant (The! Doctor!) as the magician who helps a teenager fight the vampire next door. As io9 said, "It's David Tennant in a horror movie. We're not really going to be objective about this."

Spy Kids 4. Jessica Alba is a retired agent in a catsuit with a new set of kids rebooting the series - wait, how can you reboot something this recent? Never mind.

Final Destination 5. They. Just. Won't. Stop.

Piranha 3DD. Which, yes, does refer to the amount of cleavage that will be chewed apart by the evil fish.

September

The Apparition. Tom Felton tries to escape Draco Malfoy by helping a pair of college students who meddled with Things Man Was Not Meant To Know in a lab experiment. Nobody learns from Mary Shelley.

Now. Andrew Niccol wrote The Truman Show and directed Gattaca. Now he's working a Logan's Run pastiche in a near future where everybody is young forever - but the dial on your wrist counts down to your death. The good news is you can work for more time, unless you're super-rich. Oh, that sounds fair.

October

Real Steel. Hugh Jackman is a boxer in a world where only robots are allowed to box. Um? We know you're just killing time until you strap on the claws again, but I hope this doesn't suck as much as its description.

The Thing. Prequel to the John Carpenter version, showing us what happened to the Norwegian Camp. It will either be awesome or awful, not much middle ground.

Contagion. Stephen Soderbergh (!) tracks a global disease outbreak and the all-star team that races to stop it. Starring Matt Damon, Marion Cotillard, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Laurence Fishburne, Elliott Gould, Bryan Cranston and a bunch of other people. Looking for this one for the cast alone, and besides, I'm always a fan of the apocalypse.

Paranormal Activity 3. They. Really. Won't. Stop.

November

Immortals. Theseus is back, fighting the Titans that don't clash. Mickey Rourke as a Greek King? It's desribed as Gladiator meets 300, so you might want some wine with that cheese.

Yet Another Goddamn Twilight Movie. Breaking Dawn Part 1 - yes, they divided the last book into two parts. Bill Condon (Gods and Monsters) takes over direction.

December

Hugo Cabret. A children's movie by Martin Scorsese. If that wasn't enough to break you…

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. No Tom Cruise, and directed by The Incredibles' Brad Bird and starring Sawyer from Lost. J.J. Abrams produces. It might not suck.

Sherlock Holmes 2. Guy Ritchie returns with Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law, and I can't wait. It was the best movie of 2009, so I hope the sequel does it justice. Paging Professor Moriarty - the game is afoot!

 

These are just the highlights and lowlights, guys. There will be many Oscar-winning Serious Dramas and cheesy romantic comedies to fill in the gaps between explosions and superheroes, never fear. But if you're waiting to see more lens flares on the iStarship Enterprise, you'll have to wait for 2012.

Comments

Stephanie Bryant

I saw something today that will absolutely make you cry.

There is a fifth Twilight book.

celestineangel

Final Destination? Again? Why, dear gods. D:

And... there's enough going on in Breaking Dawn to warrant two movies? :/

malindapitts

How can there be a 5th Twilight book? What is left to happen?!?

Keith R.A. DeCandido

You didn't even mention the best part of Sherlock Holmes 2: Stephen Fry as Mycroft!!!!!!

Sprite2675

Calm down, there are still only the 4 Twilight Saga books (Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse, Breaking Dawn), plus the novella (the Bree Tanner thing, which was released last summer, and thank goodness SMeyer posted it online for free so I didn't have to pay to read it - ha). And there's the unfinished, unpublished Midnight Sun, which is Twilight, but from Edward Cullen's point of view, and it is delicious because he is so full of disdain for his idiot classmates, then it is full of his plans to kill his entire biology class to get to delicious, yummy Bella, and then self-loathing for being so weak-willed, and it is hilarious. Ahem. No, I did not spend the better part of 2 hours reading the Midnight Sun manuscript online one night.
Anyway, much like HP and the Deathly Hallows, Breaking Dawn is so chockful o' plot that it must be broken into 2 movies, the better to get the fangirls and their moms and their boyfriends to part with more of their babysitting money. We wouldn't want to miss any of the Edward-Bella nuptials, the honeymoon, the vampire pregnancy, the absolutely horrifying vampire baby birth, Bella finally becoming a vamp (er... sorry to ruin it for you!), and the anti-climactic non-battle at the end.
You Twilight haters are missing out on so much snarky goodness.
Anyway, to recap: 4 novels, 1 novella, 1 unpublished half-finished novel available on Meyer's website, 3 movies and 2 more to come. And I am not ashamed to say that even though Breaking Dawn was a train wreck and broke the Twilight spell I was under, I will still be first in line at the bookstore if Meyer ever stops being a whiny baby and publishes Midnight Sun.

Anthony Mathenia

Man, nothing on this list has really got me excited. What will get me into the theatre in 2011? While I love Pixar, even Cars 2 looks rather pedestrian. (Excuse the wordplay.)

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